Last night was a disaster

I awoke at 2 with the fastest racing thoughts that I have ever experienced. Some of them were in a foreign language which I don’t speak. They were not my own. I was seeing links between all sorts of things so rapidly and profoundly that it hurt. I felt delirious. I could see the shapes of pale faces and hands in the darkness. It was not until 2:30 that I felt coherent enough to try to speak. I threw a lot of words at the unfortunate nurse at the door, but I think she somehow got the idea. We went to watch TV. We watched the end of a programme about wildlife and the environment in China. We watched the beginning of a programme about a Mesopotamian tribe whose name I can’t begin to spell when my thoughts sped up a bit again and turned to harming myself. I kept hearing odd things, mumbling voices having faraway conversations, despite nobody being awake. I went up to the pharmacy. They offered me risperidone, 1mg. Fuck that. Not only would that be useless for the problem at hand, it’d leave me feeling strange and acting oddly all throughout the next day. Apparently I’m no longer written up for anything else. I asked if they could call a doctor and get me a once-only prescription for something other than an atypical antipsychotic. I’d rather be lobotomized than take atypical antipsychotics. They said they’d leave me with a nurse in my room and check back in twenty minutes. Things didn’t get better. I just wish they’d call the doctors and get me something when I’m like that. Ignorance is bliss. Give me ignorance.


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