An introduction

Hello! I am a thanatopsiac girl. I am 17. I spend my days considering death, the artistic purpose of my death, and the resultant effects on the world. I am a person with a lot of potential, but I cannot use it without control and ownership of my life. They don’t call it, “taking your life”, for nothing — I don’t feel as though I’ll ever own my life unless I take it for myself. I am a very frustrated person: creatively, verbally, philosophically, mortidinously, and sexually, with so crushingly much useless desire.

I am diagnosed with type I bipolar disorder, anorexia nervosa, and Asperger’s syndrome. I wouldn’t say that I have a problem with self-harm; I practise it often, but it’s recreational and euphoric beyond mere catharsis for me. I have, in the past, had a problem with the use of benzodiazepines and arylcyclohexylamines. I’ve never been much of a drinker, though. Drinking is too much like consumption, my greatest fear. I hate to consume things. It is such a noisy and nasty thing to do.

I currently reside in a psychiatric hospital. I haven’t taken my medication in six days. I feel far better for it. My thoughts are soaring and playing in the ivory atrium. I don’t think that anyone here thinks that there is anything wrong with me. I will likely be going home soon.